Dyking Around Today I…

{January 9, 2009}   Dyking Around the Overly Homo

girly boys

Super girly fags

This ramble is probably going to upset a lot of my close friends, as well as my own kind (yeah us fags ARE our own species, okay? – Got a problem?)  I guess I’m partly retarded (obviously) as I’m not only unable to understand heteros, but I also cannot understand the extremities in the homosexual community…

…  I guess there’s not much I really DO understand with regards to people, or even myself, so this is no big surprise.  Anyway, WTF is with the flamey, overly feminine girly gay boys?  I don’t get it.  You’re gay, clearly implying there’s no sexual attraction or desire for females, yet why then the desire to almost be one?  In being so pro-cock does that somehow make a flamer forget he HAS one?  Just b/c one may prefer to be bent over like an inmate’s bitch, doesn’t actually GIVE you a pussy.  Some even pamper themselves more than the overly hetero, Long Island, high school cheer leading, spoiled, gold digging chics.  That’s insane to me.  It’s on things to be the flaming hair stylist or makeup artist – that’s an acceptable stigma, it’s what they’re good at.  There’s just a deeper, underlying issue when its self applied.  The very thing which turns them off is what they transform into.  WTF?  If you don’t like pussy, don’t be one.  Plus, I don’t know why no one tells them this, but they usually don’t pull if off well anyway.  When working as a makeup artist, hopefully their work isn’t a complete reflection of self-glam, because good luck, I’d suggest a backup career – or a SUPER portfolio, with work on ACTUAL girls – the kind that have a vagina –  not those who aren’t sure.  I find it almost scary when seeing these boys in pants tighter than skin, purses pinker than pussy, nails perfectly manicured and makeup ready for Broadway.  I’m not referring to transsexuals – that’s an ENTIRELY different issue that is WAY too deep to even start right now.

Continuing on… so on top of the strangely amusing, slightly frightening visual – WTF is up with the high pitched voices that are somewhat a mix of flamey, faminine, and a  bad hit to the balls?  Is the voice turned on & off at different occasions?  For example, even the gayest of fags HAS to bum out in sweats/pj’s and not be all dolled up once in awhile.  In this case, do they still play up the voice?  Or is the castrated pitch ever-present after puttingin on after a certain amount of time ?(GF NOTE:  I am of the belief the more dick inside a boys ass and mouth does something to his vocal cords… and wrist I guess… for some unknown reason) Does it hurt their throat?  Does it shrink the Adam’s apple?  Can one get surgery to make the pitch permanent?


prolixusSo, in opening a Prolixus site, it reads “How to increase your thickness to astonishing widths safely and permanently”, my immediate mature, adult-like reaction is a giggle, of course, then I find myself in deep thought on how Ooo-so-amazing it is that I’m a dyke. Let’s be honest…there are so many male enhancement products out these days, it has to be implying SOMETHING.

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{January 1, 2009}   Dyking Around Penis Problems

Putting aside my sexual preference for this rant – I can’t help but laugh and mock at you straight heteros whenever I hear all the different male enhancement commercials.  Commercials pushing medication for sexual dysfunctions and men lacking “the goods” has become just as big a part of our culture as these  ads for cymbalta (prescribed for depression) meds and genital herpes medication…

…  The sick dyke I am, I find all of these ads absolutely hysterical, and somehow intertwined.  First and foremost, I love all the male sex product ads.  As these male enhancement commercials and radio ads attempt to be somewhat awkwardly discrete… i.e.:  “Fellas, have you wished you could last longer…” or compare their existing sex life to “the better times of youth”.  Let’s be honest – no legal drug is going to give a man the drive of the 18 yr. old high school manwhore.   Notice I say legal – ecstasy will make you REDISCOVER sex – not eactly an FDA approved, easily accessible over-the-counter “medication” though.   There’s no entertaining or embarrassing ads in the media for ecstasy for the “lacking” man to fall for, unfortunately.  I suppose ecstasy might fall under the typical warning of: see your doctor if erection exists for more than 4 hours.  On the legal, recommended drugs, that is a negative side effect.   If that does occur,  a man would then need to further demean himself and go to his doctor and tell him/ her that.           With ecstasy that is the desired and common outcome which often leads to the best sensual and sexual experience for both partners, without the embarrassment of getting the doctors’ script, then having to fill that script, then the possible ego destroying side effects (if one still has any ego left after taking the above steps) which commercials list even in the superspeeed voice… seems like more risk than benefit.  Tomorrow I’ll be back to another of my favorite of these horridly awkwardly amusing man meds – Prolixus.

{December 23, 2008}   Bumpy Bumbum

Top Reason to do your leg lifts ladies!!! This Jiggly ass dance took place at Bourbon Street on Amsterdam Ave. in NYC. .50 beer nights on Thursday rock. You’ll always find someone humiliating themselves, thinking they look great!

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{December 22, 2008}   Pussy Eating 101

For every dyke (and straight man, I guess) out there – you  MUST listen to this song if you wanna please your woman.  PLUS IT’S HILAREOUS.  ENJOY!

06-lick-it1 – By God – Des & She


{December 20, 2008}   Dyking Around Fat America

I’m “THE GIRLFRIEND” typing this… and sometimes can’t help but add my two cents.  I’ll always put my own comments in this faggy purple that I love.

Why is America so fat?  Not the counry – her people.  Regardless of race, religion, culture, or ethnicity living in America gives everyone something in common – obesity.  It’s absolutely gross…

… only the flaming gay boys are skinny – too skinny! – all the clubbing, sex, and drugs (yes meth has made its way to NYC! GR8! ughh).  When I go shopping for clothes everything is large, XL, XXL, goddamn it keeps going… how could someone so huge even want to be in public shopping?  What I really don’t understand is how do their XXXL asses fit in the 2′ x 4′ fitting rooms?  What is it like to lift your rolls to pull up your pants?  What makes someone approaching 250 lbs. kep on eating to reach that next, so enticing, XXXXL size?  Maybe there is a status thing going on in the fat community with how many X’s your size has. I dunno…. ReDONGulous.

…So why are so many people outraged that Hollywood portrays being thin important?  Parents are angry that their children look up to these slender euperstars and wanting to look like them.  Let them want that…. the fat ass 120lb 8 yr old boy sitting around playing video games all day with fingers being the only body part w any excerisze and definition (besides the wrist action from jerking off at night) might lay off the McDonald’s and acutally do some physical movement.  Yeah… okay… children and people in general should be comfortable in their own skin.  But now when that skin is approaching such obesity that there’s enough to supportt another human life – or feed a small community of starving Somalians!  The poor kid 8 year old boy who is fat and gets picked on – he should thank that bully later on in life for early bypass prevention.  A bit off the deep end for being inable to find my size zero, you say?  And that is not because I am anorexic (SHE EATS LIKE A MOTHER F’ING FOOTBALL PLAYER WHO’S BEEN TOLD HE HAS TO GAIN WEIGHT OR QUIT THE TEAM.. JUST HAS THE METABOLISM… AND CERTAIN CHARACTERISTICS… OF THE TAZMANIAN DEVIL.  Don’t tell her I said that), I am just naturally petite and only 5 feet even. (GF HERE AGAIN… i think she’s slightly under 5 feet but won’t admit it.  I told her to go to the doctor because perhaps she can get handicapped parking – which you are legally entitled to if you are under 5 feet… and she got REALLLLY mad at me.  Go figure.) Maybe one might optomistically think smaller sizes weren’t available because of being common and sold out?  Who are you kidding!  In asking a store representative about finding my size, I get “The Look”  The look of haha – you’re kidding – yet maybe serious – mixed with some disdain – and if you aren’t joking does it really look like we had/have/will EVER carry that?  Just a look.  No response until I must reconfirm my ooh – so – unbelievable request.  Response is the usual.  Being directed toward a corner of some secluded corner of a dark section that appears to have had no one in it in decades – where I can then “try and look”.  Why do I feel like I have the plague (I think leporsy sounded funnier) and am being sent to isolation?  Am I supposed to be unhealthy, overweight, unconfident, waddling, panting out breath after 5 steps & profusely sweating from places I didn’t even know existed to not be stared at and sent on my way like I usually am?  HELL TO THE NO – like Whitney would say.  I’ll suffer and be the outcast for a lifetime before I give in to the cellulite craze.  GF NOTE:  Her lifetime will probably be double those fatasses will live so start making and carrying more zero’s – especially you big department stores who seem to cater to the jiggly.  Oh.  I’m sorry.  Horizontally challanged

{December 10, 2008}   Dyking Around the Christmas Tree

I guess with the holidays coming it’s more than appropriate to ramble on about that for a bit.  Thinkin’ bout that fat Santa dude in that ridiculous red suit – many things come to mind…

…First off, why did society pick an extremely overweight, hairy old man to come down a chimney? Sorry, his fat ass would fall through my rooftop.  And even if my rooftop could hold the weight, all the Vaseline and lubrication in the world would not squeeze his jolly fat ass down even the biggest of chimneys.  Let’s say somehow – miraculously he did – (still don’t know what’s wrong with using the front door), it would definitely be anything but graceful.  He would break shit, wake people up – AND CHRISTMAS WOULD BE RUINED!  Why not a super sexy model in a bikini?  Her anorexia would finally be put to use.  She’d fit perfectly, and who would mind waking up to a gogeous lady half naked in your living room, leaving gifts?  Seeing that is a gift in itself.  Everyone’s happy and CHRISTMAS IS SAVED!

Yeah… and what’s with Santa anyway?  Mr. White Supremacist, Mr. Overly Caucasian, with all his white elves in the North pole; yet the South Pole is a black clothing label?  Talk about segregation, the ENTIRE Northern and Southern HEMISPHERES are between the two poles.  And we thought we were coming close to racial equality?  HA!  Thinkin’ about combining the two is even more fun.  Maybe I’ll write a memo to Mr. Half and Half himself, ma homie, Barack.  Hey when you’re done with this economic depression stuff, think about fixing important things like our overly commercialized, racist holiday season please?  The Catholic Church would absolutely LOOOVVVEEE that.  Actually, maybe they would.  If it brought in a new racial mix of 12 year old boys, AND more $ in the collection baskets.  Wow- I’m goin’ to hell.  WAIT!! I’m gay – I am anyway!  Guess spending my time alive (somewhat), being an asshole is time well spent.  Born a Catholic – see how far Sunday school got my queer ass?  All the fun peeps are in hell chillin’ with Mr. D-bomb anyway.  Who wants to spend eternity with a bunch of straight goody goodies anyway?  BORING.

{December 10, 2008}   WTF is Dykying Around??

06-lick-it What is this “Dyking Around” anyway?  Not a particular activity or event, yet the random thoughts, ideas, and daily occurrences in my life.  Why would you care?  Honestly, I don’t know.  My girlfriends seems to think the things I say, do, think, and feel are fun, interesting and most important entertaining and amusing. (GF is typing right now and thinks crazy, random, and slightly psychotic must be added to the above).  High expectations for my simple stupidity, but here goes…

… First off, I am in no sense what one would stereotypically consider a “dyke”.  I am not a lumberjack, flannel wearing, mullet butch.  Hey, if that’s you – more power to you.  I’m not masculine in any way – nor am I a pink wearing – omg-look-at-my-hair-and-makeup-what-am-I-gonna-wear-tonight femmey chick.   That grey area in between is me.  Born and raised in NY! (REPRESENT), I currently work in a restaurant in Chelsa, Manhattan, a super homosexual area, and also in another restaurant in my stomping grounds in Queens.  Much of my dyking around is in either of these two areas, or on the commute to and from.  You see & meet & observe alot of crazy people and events in this business, as well as on the infamous NYC public transportation system.  I guess the way I see them, the thoughts I conjure up and the absolutely ridiculously stupid ideas I create is what will be postes, and any other shit I feel like writing along the way.  So here we go… “Dyking Around”…

et cetera